


You Won't Break His Heart Again

by kiyyeisanerd



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Banter, But its happy instead of sad, Fix-It, Full indulgence, Happy Ending, Hope Powers, Jake saves dirk from anime villainy, M/M, Meat timeline dirk, Post-Epilogues, Redemption, Restraints, Writing stories I want to see folks, epilogue compliant, smart!jake
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-01-25 19:50:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18581425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiyyeisanerd/pseuds/kiyyeisanerd
Summary: Years later, they track Dirk down. Jake has some things to say and a boyfriend to take back.(Set post-meat epilogue, self-indulgent happy ending. See notes for details.)





	1. Hardest of Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> So... this was a cathartic blur of 3k words that I wrote in my head in the shower and then typed out in a feverish state of rage for approx 20 minutes? And then I edited and formatted of course.
> 
> I guess one of the Takes with regards to the epilogues is that they're supposed to inspire us to write more stories about the shit we want to see, so that's what this fic is. Check the endnotes for full warnings but it's extremely tame and almost entirely dialogue. Just a lot of philosophical banter in which Jake tries to prove my point. That point being --> happy endings are good and nice sometimes, and we still out here loving dirk strider.

Jake finds him tied up on the ground in the antechamber looking unreasonably pathetic and handsome. Disheveled hair, off-kilter glasses, the works.  
  
DIRK: Hey.  
  
Jake glowers at him. His intention in this visit is not at all to scold or berate the man—quite the opposite, in fact—but he allows himself a moment of anger. Jake has learned it’s okay to allow himself things sometimes.  
  
DIRK: So what even is this ropey shit you all tied me up with?  
DIRK: I gotta say, it’s pretty impressive.  
DIRK: Seems to be imbibed with some powerful majyyks that are keeping me from the narrative.  
DIRK: Like Wonder Woman’s lasso but for meta chumps.  
JAKE: Terezi alchemized it a while back for this explicit purpose, believe it or not!  
JAKE: She made it from a... magical tooth shard?  
JAKE: Im not clear on the details. Apparently it cost a BLOODY FORTUNE to alchemize.  
DIRK: I mean yeah I would be hard pressed to think of something more deserving of a high price than a literal Plot Device.  
DIRK: As in, a physical device that’s sole purpose is to advance the plot. A Plot Device.  
JAKE: I got it, bro. Plot device. Thats a riot.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: So.  
DIRK: It’s going to be you, isn’t it.  
DIRK: I think I always knew deep down you would be the one.  
DIRK: For a long time I thought it would be Dave.  
DIRK: Poetic justice for being his abuser and stuff. I’m pretty sure his version of me died via epic katana chest wound and there was some kind of heart wrenching mourning scene, so that would have been a good parallel.  
DIRK: But too good for me I guess.  
DIRK: Plus, Dave would want to do it executioner style, and we all know I have a thing for decapitation. The universe would not be so kind as to let me get off one last time while facing my biggest fear.  
DIRK: ... Irrelevance. Nonexistence. Whichever you want to call it.  
DIRK: Scary shit.  
DIRK: Anyway.  
DIRK: Out of all the people I’ve abused, you’re the second most fit to kill me, I think.  
DIRK: That was a compliment, so you’re welcome.  
DIRK: Maybe it is poetic, getting offed by my incredibly unintelligent but irresistibly sexy ex.  
DIRK: If I wasn’t already well aware of the constraints of my fate, I might even be tempted to play around with the inevitable fact that you’re still in love with me.  
DIRK: See if I could weaponize it to get out of these ropes.  
DIRK: In fact, that sounds like a pretty tempting strategy.  
DIRK: But for once in my life I think I’d rather not drag things out any longer.  
DIRK: ...  
DIRK: What are you going to use?  
DIRK: One of your guns?  
DIRK: Maybe both at once?  
DIRK: That would be hot.  
JAKE: Im not here to kill you.  


Dirk’s poker face is a masterwork of stoicism these days. Another “boon” he received upon becoming his Ultimate Self. Jake can’t tell for the life of him what’s going on inside the dude’s head. For the record, though, Dirk is not having a great time in his brainspace right now.  
  
DIRK: Uh  
DIRK: Damn what a letdown.  
JAKE: Sorry to abruptly upend your latest suicidal fantasy and shake it out like a bunch of crusty tea leaves got stuck up in there.  
JAKE: But i have much bigger plans!  
JAKE: Better plans.  
DIRK: Sounds menacing.  
DIRK: Are you menacing now?  
DIRK: Are you joining me in villany?  
DIRK: God, that would be hot.  
JAKE: No sorry im not joining you in villany as fun as that sounds.  
JAKE: And by fun i mean NOT FUN AT ALL you wretched man!  
JAKE: Im here to make you likeable again.  
DIRK: Cool cool.  
DIRK: Disregarding the fact that I am probably still likeable in some respects, and the fact that I don’t actually think I’m that bad of a dude...  
DIRK: I still don’t know what the thing you just said means.  
DIRK: And lately I’ve been used to knowing what everything means all the time, so if you could please find the kindness in your heart to forgive me if I get a little defensive, I would greatly appreciate it.  
JAKE: Of course!  
JAKE: Actually, forgiving you is exactly my plan.  
DIRK: What  
JAKE: Oh yes you heard me right mister SYNDROME.  
JAKE: That was the funniest villain i could think of sorry.  
JAKE: Here’s the scoop:  
JAKE: We are embarking together on a redemption arc.  
JAKE: Orchestrated by yours truly and perpetrated all for the benefit of the winsome blonde in front of me!  
DIRK: Nah, you can’t do that.  
DIRK: Not that I wouldn’t be down.  
DIRK: I’m just saying, I’m too far gone for the kind of arc you’re envisioning.  
DIRK: Don’t you remember what happened with Gamzee?  
DIRK: Wait fuck that wasn’t in your timeline I don’t think. All of that seems so long ago, it gets really muddled in my head.  
JAKE: I know what happened with gamzee.  
JAKE: I’ll be taking a more hands on approach than whatever he tried.  
JAKE: I’ll be the... mercantilism to your bullion ;)  
DIRK: Woah uh  
DIRK: Did you just make a sorta kinda intelligent economic history reference?  
JAKE: Yes dirk.  
JAKE: Im trying out this being smart thing  
JAKE: Boning up on my data structures and whatnot  
JAKE: And im finding that i dont mind it too much at all!  
DIRK: This is legitimately shocking news to me.  
DIRK: I didn’t know you had it in you.  
JAKE: The iq was hidden in my heart all along.  
JAKE: <3  
DIRK: Okay well, if you’re so smart now then...  
DIRK: Explain to me this crackhead redemption thing you’re planning.  
DIRK: Because if you were actually smart, or even near as smart as me, which would be kind of impossible, you would realise it’s just not a feasible outcome.  
JAKE: Lucky for you and i we’re located smack dab in the middle of a post-feasibility narrative right now!  
DIRK: ... Uh. How do you of all people know what’s up with the narrative all of a sudden?  
DIRK: Pretty sure that’s not allowed.  
JAKE: Oh but see it is now.  
JAKE: Heres the thing about me that you conveniently forgot to remember...  
JAKE: Im the page of hope and i have the unbridled reality-shaping power of optimism at my side.  
DIRK: Yeah but we... demonstrated pretty concretely that you’re a useless tool who doesn’t know how control that ability, dude.  
DIRK: And now that I’m thinking about it I haven’t seen you use it in forever.  
DIRK: So why the sudden resurgence of hopey bullshit and what does it have to do with my hypothetical redemption?  
DIRK: Oh fuck  
DIRK: Have you like  
DIRK: Become your ultimate self?  
DIRK: I didn’t think anyone but me was built for it in a physical sense but... hey, you’re built like a brick shithouse, so it wouldn’t be too far of a stretch.  
JAKE: I was thinking about that on the way over here actually.  
JAKE: I dont think i have?  
JAKE: Become my ultimate self i mean.  
JAKE: Its just my regular hope powers im going to be using on you today.  
DIRK: Haha I feel like I’m at some shitty massage place in a strip mall.  
DIRK: “I’ll only be using regular hope powers on you today... Unless you’d like to pay a small fee for the Premium Rump package, which would add in an extra serving of asinine tomfoolery and also some of those weird hot skin cups that people seem to have a fetish for.”  
JAKE: I wouldnt mind being your masseuse dirk! *tugs at collar and winks*  
JAKE: I guess if you want to think of this like a massage the metaphor wouldnt be um... very far off base at all?  
DIRK: That’s so sketch man.  
DIRK: What are you going to do to me?  
JAKE: I’m going to unwrite your terrible terrible deeds.  
JAKE: At least, the ones from after we exited the game.  
JAKE: The ones from before we can keep.  
DIRK: Woah woah woah  
DIRK: You can’t just go around  
DIRK: Rewriting people’s... deeds and shit.  
DIRK: What the fuck, Jake.  
DIRK: How are you going to do that?  
DIRK: There is no way you have the narrative prowess to completely write over everything I did with... replacement deeds, or to actually bring your saccharine redemption fantasy into reality.  
DIRK: Especially since you aren’t even your Ultimate Self yet.  
JAKE: Dirk the ultimate self is a myth.  
JAKE: Its a destructive ideal.  
DIRK: Hate to break it to you but no it’s not?  
DIRK: Considering I literally am mine, I can vouch pretty solidly for the concept’s realness attribute.  
JAKE: And how does that make you feel bro?  
DIRK: Don’t try to therapize me.  
DIRK: You know exactly which purple eyed family member I prefer to be therapized by and frankly it would be in bad taste for you to bring her up during this conversation.  
JAKE: Oh, its in bad taste for me to even MENTION her?!?!  
JAKE: Youre the bloke who kidnapped the damn woman and forced her to self actualize!  
JAKE: You didnt even check with anyone about it you just  
JAKE: Flipping IMPALED her on maslows pyramid!  


Jake takes a deep breath to calm the quiet rage in his chest. He’s had a long time to think about this certain type of rage, and he now understand that it isn’t directed at Dirk. It never has been. This version of Dirk is culpable, maybe, if you want to pick a concrete scapegoat; but more accurately, Jake is angry at whoever or whatever caused Dirk to _get_ like this.  
  
Dirk doesn’t bother struggling against his bonds. He knows he’s in the deep shit now. He does shrug a little, though, daring Jake to continue.  
  
JAKE: See the rose thing has everything to do with what im trying to say which is...  
JAKE: There is no ultimate version of the self.  
JAKE: Or i guess there is in a metaphysics kind of sense.  
JAKE: The literal confluence of all your selves.  
JAKE: But that’s not your BEST self!  
JAKE: And its not even your most accurate or most purposeful self either!  
DIRK: How do you know?  
JAKE: Because your ultimate self is apparently a SHITTY MACHIAVELLIAN ANIME VILLAIN!  
JAKE: And i know you can be better than that.  
JAKE: Ive seen you be better than that.  
DIRK: Goodness is subjective jake.  
DIRK: What is better to you might be worse to someone else.  
DIRK: What if I like being this way?  
JAKE: Hm yes alright youre actually completely correct about that.  
JAKE: Youve managed to really throw me off my game here with this complex philosophical point about the very nature of goodness that youve introduced to the discussion.  
JAKE: Somehow i completely failed to consider that idea when i was formulating this whole plan...  
JAKE: OH WAIT!  
JAKE: THATS RIGHT!  
JAKE: IM SMART AS SHIT NOW AND I ACTUALLY THOUGHT OF THAT IN ADVANCE AND CAME UP WITH A PERFECTLY RESPECTABLE ANSWER THAT NEGATES THE CONCEPT ENTIRELY!  
JAKE: HA HA!  
DIRK: No need to shout dude.  
JAKE: *Clears throat* sorry.  
JAKE: I know that goodness is subjective.  
JAKE: But ive decided i want something thats good for me now.  
JAKE: I dont care if its good for other people or even really if its good for you.  
JAKE: Although through my reality shaping hope powers i will indeed make sure its good for you.  
DIRK: Okay here's another flaw in your argument that I’m hoping will throw you for a loop.  
DIRK: But I’m also going to state immutably for the record here that you’ve really amazed me with your unprecedented mental capacity today, so whoever’s listening should note that I will be not at all surprised should you have considered this prospect in advance already, too.  
DIRK: Consider:  
DIRK: Doesn’t forcing me into a situation through means of dubious mind control powers make you just as bad as I am?  
DIRK: In terms of denying free will and all.  
JAKE: I thought about that obviously, as you so cleverly predicted.  
JAKE: And the answer i came up with is...  
JAKE: Maybe?  
JAKE: But i dont care.  
JAKE: Because i know im doing what im doing out of a deep abiding love for the version of you that once loved me. And out of a desire to be genuinely happy for once in my life.  
JAKE: You went and kidnapped kanayas wife for much shittier reasons, like relevance and power and fulfilling your weird robot kink.  
JAKE: And let me point out again so we dont rehash any old arguments:  
JAKE: Your reasons sound shitty TO ME!  
JAKE: Maybe theyre not shitty to you and maybe theyre not shitty to someone else but this is my fantasy world now and i make the rules and i say my reasons are good reasons and yours are bad.  
DIRK: So you’re just totally okay with robbing me of my free will.  
JAKE: Who gives a flopping dick about free will!  
JAKE: The reason it was so unbearable when you took over our narrative was because you were so oblique about it.  
JAKE: And because you injected all your shitty biases and ideas about how things should turn out into every situation.  
JAKE: I’m only going to mess with YOU dirk.  
JAKE: Ill leave the rest of the narrative alone.  
JAKE: And im going to make as concerted of an effort as possible to restore you to something you once were, not to bend things in directions they were never meant to take.  
DIRK: Have you considered that... maybe you’re not acting of your own volition right now?  
DIRK: That someone bigger than either of us is conducting this entire shitfest straight into whatever train stop that person wants?  
JAKE: Im sorry but that is the lamest cog youve tried to throw in my wheels so far.  
DIRK: Yeah yeah I know that was kind of a weak one.  
JAKE: Step up your game please.  
JAKE: To answer your question, thats probably the case, actually.  
JAKE: But having you back will make me happy.  
JAKE: And i hope it will make others happy too.  
JAKE: And ill do my damndest to make sure it makes you happy.  
JAKE: And ive just got this strange feeling that the whole current scenario is going down in the spirit of compassion and growth and kindness and love.  
JAKE: Not in in the spirit of unabashed power hungriness like it was when you got your handsome fingers on the timeline.  
DIRK: Compassion and growth and kindness and love are overrated.  
DIRK: My Ultimate Self thinks you’re spewing a load of pansy crap.  
JAKE: Argh why am i having to repeat myself about this?  
JAKE: The entire concept of an ultimate self is moronic.  
JAKE: There are infinitely many ways that we could all end up and a good hefty mouth-watering chunk of them are perfectly fine!  
JAKE: And saying there is only ONE possible way out of ALL those ways that is ULTIMATE is just  
JAKE: So reductionist!!!  
DIRK: I don’t care how reductionist it is.  
DIRK: I like the idea that I achieved my true potential and I’d like to stay this way.  
DIRK: Do my desires mean nothing?  
DIRK: If free will doesn’t exist doesn’t nothing mean anything?  
DIRK: If free will doesn’t exist aren’t we just slaves to the whims of whatever asshole is piloting our ship?  
JAKE: Yes exactly.  
JAKE: If free will doesnt exist then all we can hope for is good treatment.  
JAKE: And to me it feels like the guy hypothetically piloting our ship right now cares a lot about both of us as people and wants to see us go somewhere interesting and heartwarming in this hypothetical story.  
DIRK: Lol did you just assume your omnipotent god's gender?  
JAKE: Ugh.  
JAKE: I think the worst thing about this version of you is that youre all weird about gender stuff.  
JAKE: Also if my words are literally being penned down by an omnipotent authorial being then wouldnt he have every power to make me use whatever pronouns he wanted me to use?  
JAKE So maybe hes actually fine with being called a he??  
JAKE: Ever think about that dirk? Huh?  
DIRK: That was a little weird and maybe too meta for my tastes.  
JAKE: Things can never be too meta for your tastes youre just WEIRD ABOUT GENDER!  
JAKE: Blimey what happened to not dragging things out???  
JAKE: It seems like you’ve spent quite a long time trying to trick me out of our happy ending with subtle philosophical jabs.  
DIRK: It seems i have.  
JAKE: ... Ok my first edict as a bonafide reality patty slapper is to make you say the phrase “it seems” as little as possible from now on.  
JAKE: It reminds me of a bad conversation i had with your autoresponder once.  
DIRK: ... Okay.  
DIRK: Dammit.  
DIRK: Am i agreeing to that because i actually kind of have a newfound sense of respect for you since you apparently got smart or whatever?  
DIRK: Or did you actually just hope-coerce me into agreement?  
JAKE: I couldnt tell ya!  
JAKE: But what i can tell you is...  


Jake crouches down to Dirk’s level and squats comfortably next to him. He wants to be in a comfortable, friendly position for this.  
  
JAKE: The most interesting trait of yours is not that you have some recurring personality motif that drives you toward controlling and abusive tendencies.  
JAKE: But that you have proven you are capable and willing to fight against that drive if incentivised in the right ways.  
JAKE: That you are strong enough of a person to defy something the greater Narrative has apparently doomed you to and to try to make something good out of it.  
JAKE: By jove that makes you an interesting character dirk!  
JAKE: The real tragedy of this timeline so far is that you didnt ever get to make something good.  
JAKE: And so you relapsed into anime villain zone.  
JAKE: But all people need support  
JAKE: Even you  
JAKE: And im going to help you become someone nuanced and believable and loveable again.  
DIRK: Fuck this.  
DIRK: I hate this.  


But Dirk knows he doesn't hate it. Some version of him definitely does, but the Dirk in this moment has been gut-punched by smart!Jake’s extremely well thought out argument in a way he doesn’t ever remember being gut-punched. He probably hasn’t felt a genuine emotion like this since he was a teenager. His focus is razor-sharp on Jake, and thin as a needle pointing straight into his emerald eyes. This startles him; his focus is usually explicitly all-encompassing.  
  
DIRK: What the  
DIRK: Are you  
DIRK: Are you making me like...  
DIRK: Unmerge from my Ultimate Self?  
DIRK: How are you doing that.  
DIRK: You’re just a fucking Page.  
DIRK: You shouldn’t be able to...  


Dirk can feel in real time the slow severing of his many omnipotent senses. His multifaceted awareness dulling down to its original state, the state it was in when he was 16 playing SBURB with Jake. Back then he thought he was a fucking genius with the multitasking prowess of a god, but he didn’t know shit back then. And now he guesses he doesn’t know shit all over again.  
  
JAKE: I love you dirk.  
JAKE: But not because you made me love you.  
JAKE: Or because I’m making me love you.  
JAKE: Cause i think we can both tell that im not directing the narrative itself here... even with my imagination powers i dont have the manpower to manage that.  
JAKE: But something deep in me thats real and authentic knows that i love you.  
DIRK: I used to love you I have no problem admitting that.  
DIRK: But you broke my heart and...  
JAKE: People change dirk!  
JAKE: I think thats one of the root causes of all your bullshit complexes.  
JAKE: You think people cant change for some goddamn reason.  
JAKE: I hope ive proved otherwise to you with all my SMART WORDS.  
JAKE: Because the concept of the genuine malleability of the self is going to be pretty key to getting you back on track.  
DIRK: I know you think you can make me good again.  
DIRK: But I was never good in the first place.  
DIRK: Or, I was never good to anyone else, and the only way to become good to myself was to accept that fact and move on.  
DIRK: This “evil gene” or whatever you want to call it has always been slumbering deep in my subconscious and it will never go away no matter how hard you hope.  
JAKE: We all have dark things slumbering deep in our subconsciouses you prattling pretentious self absorbed fool!  
JAKE: You just think yours is special.  
JAKE: Do you know how the rest of us deal with ours?  
JAKE: By accepting the reality that some things can't be moved on from permanently, but that we can still derive meaning and joy from life while sitting on a proverbial sleeping tiger.  
JAKE: We don’t have to dismiss it. We can just be careful not to wake it up.  
DIRK: Sounds like a terrible life that I want no part in.  


But he does want a part in it. Jake’s redemption magics are already starting to work their wonders.  
  
JAKE: You regret all those terrible things you did in the name of relevancy.  
DIRK: No, fuck, I don’t.  
JAKE: You do because i say so!  
JAKE: And you realize that being relevant and essential and true or whatever means nothing if you arent happy.  
DIRK: I don’t...  


Dirk takes a minute to imagine this shitty domestic pipedream Jake’s pumping into his mind. The two of them living in a little cabin somewhere, chatting over cups of tea. They engage in annual spring cleaning to combat Jake’s hoarding tendencies, and they have frequent kinky sex during which Dirk bottoms to remind him that his boyfriend can take care of things, therefore combating his controlive tendencies. They realize together that spending a life working together against your demons is not a terrible fate; in any case, it’s much better than embracing them and doing a deep nosedive off the handle into fascist villainy.  
  
Dirk tries to think of last ditch efforts to throw Jake off his game.  
  
DIRK: You sound like a... Dirk apologist.  
JAKE: A certain version of dirk strider is very near and dear to my heart and helped me greatly during my teen years to stay positive and afloat.  
JAKE: I would never relinquish that memory of him for the world and its not unreasonable for me to still find comfort in it, especially when it causes no objective harm or erasure to the narrative when i revisit it.  
JAKE: So i think...  
JAKE: I think im okay with being a dirk apologist is what im saying.  
DIRK: Why do you have to be so goddamn...  
DIRK: Good. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Reference to the homestuck epilogues, reference to meat epilogue (specifically: reference to dirk's whole Thing, dirk "being weird about gender," Rose, Ultimate Selves, Terezi, LE's tooth), reference to candy epilogue (specifically: gamzee). Dirk talks about death a lot. Meta-textual references to me as the narrator??? Restraints, dubious hopey mind control in good faith, philosophical arguments, free will, severed omnipotence.
> 
> I hope some of you might find a little comfort in this if you're really broken up about the dirkjake treatment in the epilogues. 
> 
> I will soon be posting a second chapter in which we see the aftermath of dirk's redemption arc (spoiler: dirk n jake are happy together and everything is fine).
> 
> ALSO check out my tumblr for some doodles I did from the fic: https://kiyye.tumblr.com/post/184419978188/two-more-dirks-specifically-re-my-new-epilogue


	2. Coming Back As We Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A followup to the meat!dirk smart!jake banter. Lets see what happened to these dudes when Jake succeeded with his redemption magics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternative Titles: Nobody Said It Was Easy / Take Me Back To The Start
> 
> Short and sweet y'all :'^) As always, warnings are in the endnotes.

  
“Dirk, love, can you please keep the racket down?”  
  
Dirk hunches over his work table hammering two pieces of wood together with a precise violence not at all befitting his environment or mood. Luckily, he’s finished hitting the nail as soon as Jake pipes up to complain. He hangs the hammer back on his rack of tools with an air of relief.  
  
“Sorry, done now,” he calls across the room. Jake sits in a chic bean bag chair Dirk installed a couple years back. He’s battling with a tangle of multicolored plastic cords they’ve both been meaning to make shitty, ironic boyfriendship bracelets out of for some time now.  
  
Jake gives up momentarily on waging noble war against the tumbleweed of artistic hellsnakes and walks over to Dirk’s table. He’s catching a quick break from his arduous task, sure, but he’s also a tad bit curious about what sort of contraption Dirk’s whacking at.  
  
“What are you working on?” he asks, leaning over Dirk’s shoulder precariously. He tips so far forward, in fact, that he has to grab onto Dirk to steady himself, which everyone in the room understands to be a deliberate move executed for the sole purpose of feeling up some Strider musculature.  
  
Dirk does a kind of half-laugh through his nose. He doesn’t mind the musculature groping at all, but goddamn it’s cute how Jake never stops trying to be suave about these things.  
  
What was Jake asking about? Right. Dirk’s project. “I’m not actually sure what it is I’m making here?” Dirk says, standing the thing up on its legs.  
  
It’s a weird sculpture of some sort, he guesses. Almost equine in shape, now that he’s thinking about it. Two pieces of funky looking metal hold up the body of the work—the two wooden boards he just nailed together—and both metal supports are cleft in twain at the base like little legs.  
  
The bottommost piece of wood is a remnant from the old floors he took up in the kitchen. It had a funny shape on it that looked like an eyeball, so he threw it in his bin of “scrap parts from around the house you might melt down for robot materials later.” Though you can’t really melt down wood, so he’s not sure why he kept it. Sometimes he thinks Jake is turning him into a hoarder.  
  
The topmost piece of wood Dirk alchemized by accident earlier today. He was trying to…  
  
Okay. This is a stupid story, but he was trying to alchemize a chess set based on The Matrix for Jake’s birthday in a couple months. It was a taxing ordeal. Combining the movie with an old wooden chess board created a sketchy-looking DVD called “Neo and the Sorcerer’s Pills,” and switching to a bitwise AND combination produced a plastic board with Morpheus’s face plastered over the squares. These will make great gag gifts for the rest of his friends’ birthdays, but Dirk still wanted to make Jake a playable goddamn game.  
  
For reasons unbeknownst to the reader and to Dirk himself, his next strategy was to literally just bend a fork and try incorporating that into the board. Obviously, that idiotic attempt didn’t result in any objects remotely related to the matrix. He just got a creepy checkerboard-patterned metal sounding device and a funny mangled piece of wood. Said funny mangled piece of wood is the one he just nailed with vitriol into its wooden brethren.  
  
Anyway, Dirk is taking a break from Matrix shenanigans to craft this weird sculpture. It’s part of a little experiment he’s subjecting himself to. The point of the exercise is to try making a thing without planning it in advance. So the question is: can Dirk Strider build a shitty, abstract horse statue without a goddamn blueprint?  
  
Jake takes in Dirk’s funky little creation with curiosity. To him, it looks a bit like… a deformed crocodile? Or perhaps a banana on a pedestal. Yes, a banana would make more sense. Gosh, consarn that man’s ineffable noggin... Jake can hardly keep up with his philosophical whimsies sometimes. Even now that he’s started owning up to the fact that he’s pretty smart, this level of abstract irony is too much for him.  
  
He wonders what feelings the doodad is meant to evoke. Artists try to evoke feelings, right? He supposes the banana part could be… phallic imagery, for lack of a better term. He’s not sure why it would be made of wood then, though? Maybe the rough surface of the organic material is meant to symbolize the natural unruly nature of masculinity, and the pedestal setup is supposed to symbolize the high standards society tries to force upon those of the gentlemanly persuasion?  
  
Oh, oh, maybe the gnarly wood is not a banana/penis at all! Maybe it’s a one sided arm wrestle. An arm wrestle between nature and mankind. Maybe the implication is that nature is losing.  
  
“You’re staring pretty hard at my weird horse sculpture,” Dirk says.  
  
“Oh! It’s a horse?”  
  
Dirk flattens his lips in a way that makes Jake feel like he might have offended him.  
  
“I mean… of course I see it now, deary, it’s just, I was thinking it might be a metaphor for toxic masculinity or climate change or something like that!”  
  
Dirk raises his eyebrows sharply and laughs. The moments when he laughs are precious to you. You grin back at him.  
  
Er, fuck. You didn’t mean to commandeer the you-ness attribute there. The moments when he laughs are precious to Jake. Jake grins back at him.  
  
“Jake, dude, it’s not that deep. I’m not even sure it’s a horse? I didn’t intend for it to be a horse at all, but it seems like my artistic appraisal process naturally draws me to infer equine curvature.”  
  
“If, er, if you don’t mind me asking, what’s it supposed to be if it’s not supposed to be a horse? Or a banana or a wanker or a manly, shredded arm?”  
  
DIRK: Hold on, can we talk like this for a second?  
JAKE: Sure thing!  
DIRK: Yeah sorry, I have a feeling we’re done doing physical actions for a while so I thought we could drop the prose.  
JAKE: Consider it dropped.  
DIRK: Cool.  
DIRK: Anyway, the shitty horse.  
DIRK: I’m trying to practice mindfulness or something?  
DIRK: Actually, no, ignore that, I don’t think that’s what mindfulness even means, christ.  
DIRK: The point is  
DIRK: I didn’t plan anything out before I made this.  
DIRK: I’m just kind of nailing shit together.  
DIRK: I don’t really know if it’s working out, honestly I feel kind of stupid.  
DIRK: But that’s what I’m up to.  
DIRK: And now that I’ve explained myself you don’t have to wonder about what kind of deep philosophical critiques I’m trying to make.  
DIRK: Because for once I’m not making any.  
JAKE: *wraps my arms around your shoulders*  
JAKE: What a neat idea!  
JAKE: If i may ask, what inspired you to embark on this little journey?  
  
Dirk wants to kiss Jake’s cheek, but he absolutely will not stoop so low as to *put his actions in asterisks,* so he just leans over and kisses him in prose.  
  
DIRK: I don’t remember, honestly.  
DIRK: Some existential tangent I went down in my head.  
DIRK: I think I was thinking about Myers Briggs.  
JAKE: Thats the personality test with the letters right?  
JAKE: I can never remember mine.  
JAKE: Im like… an ESPN?  
DIRK: ESPN is not a type bro.  
DIRK: I think you were an ISFP?  
DIRK: Or uh  
DIRK: EN fuckin  
DIRK: ENF  
DIRK: Nah maybe INF...  
DIRK: Fuck.  
DIRK: Who knows, but you’re definitely -P.  
DIRK: And I’m definitely -J.  
JAKE: And what does that mean again?  
DIRK: That I overplan and you don’t.  
JAKE: Ah i see.  
  
Jake swivels Dirk’s chair around and guides him to stand, one hand on his shoulders and one on his waist. He pats his shoulders with a little smile and kisses his forehead.  
  
“What?” Dirk asks.  
  
“Let’s go plop our tushes somewhere more comfortable!”  
  
Jake gathers Dirk’s arm up in his as they walk toward the bedroom.  
  
DIRK: So anyway.  
DIRK: How’s the detangling going?  
JAKE: Terribly.  
JAKE: I think it may not even be worth it to try separating all those insubordinate strings.  
JAKE: Even if i would like closure on the whole ordeal, its going to be excruciatingly painful wiggling my fingers into all those knotty plastic crevices.  
DIRK: Fair point.  
DIRK: So we’re giving up on bracelet making?  
JAKE: Oh no not at all!  
JAKE: Ill just alchemize some more string.  
DIRK: Oh right.  
DIRK: Yeah, I’m an idiot.  
JAKE: Hehehe, sometimes you are.  
JAKE: Ill fix us up some new threads later.  
JAKE: Right now we have places to be.  
  
The two fall onto the bed in each other’s embrace, Dirk laying his head in Jake’s crooked elbow and draping his arm over his waist and tangling their legs together. Light pours through the window just soft enough that it lights up the room but doesn’t glare. Dirk sighs into Jake’s skin, dancing his fingers along his hip.  
  
DIRK: Do you ever get the feeling that things are...  
DIRK: Too good?  
JAKE: Er, no. Not really.  
JAKE: Not anymore at least!  
JAKE: I got over my whole “i dont deserve happiness” complex a long time ago when my happiness started being tied to yours.  
DIRK: I guess I haven’t gotten over that one yet.  
DIRK: Me not getting over complexes, what a huge whopping surprise.  
JAKE: Weve been over this honeybuns.  
JAKE: Dont be too hard on yourself.  
  
Dirk brushes a strand of hair out of Jake’s eyes. The gesture is so fucking sweet and domestic it would make a number of splinters of himself want to vomit, probably, but it just kind of fills his stubborn heart with a slow warmth.  
  
DIRK: Okay, I don’t think domestic imposter syndrome is the only reason I feel weird about this whole setup, though.  
DIRK: There’s something else I can never put my finger on.  
DIRK: It’s almost like…  
DIRK: I know we no longer operate under the parameters of canon. I’m well aware of that.  
DIRK: And I’m trying to make peace with it.  
DIRK: But sometimes I feel just completely fucking useless?  
DIRK: Like my existence doesn’t mean anything if I’m not kicking some enemy ass or machinating some excessively complicated strings of events.  
DIRK: Even being some fantasy dude with a tragic backstory, a penchant for isolation, a pinterest aesthetic and an inexplicable set of plot-relevant powers would be better than this.  
DIRK: Not better, that’s not what I meant.  
DIRK: I love this.  
DIRK: But a part of me says that’s wrong of me.  
DIRK: To love it, I mean.  
JAKE: Are you saying... there’s not enough conflict in our narrative?  
DIRK: Maybe???  
DIRK: I’m not sure if conflict is the issue.  
DIRK: But you may have a point because we did just spend exactly a thousand words talking about a bullshit horse sculpture I made.  
DIRK: Which was inarguably boring as fuck.  
JAKE: I have a notion of what youre getting at i think?  
JAKE: But you said yourself that you *love this* bro.  
JAKE: To be frank, i believe the issue might be that…  
JAKE: Youre being a bit closed minded about what kinds of stories are valuable?  
JAKE: The conflict here is very light yes.  
JAKE: The stakes are so low theyve practically clipped through the bottom of the house.  
JAKE: But im sure this story is valuable to someone.  
JAKE: Getting to see you and i living as normal of a life as we can goshdarned manage.  
JAKE: Getting to hear about the doubts you still wrestle with but being assured by the narrative that they wont ruin your chances at happiness.  
JAKE: Really dirk... not to be too harsh on you...  
JAKE: But it just struck me that even the format were communicating in right now is a way for you to harken back to the olden days of drama and sacrifice, to avoid all the sappy little moments of physical intimacy you seem so adorably embarrassed about.  
JAKE: Is that true?  
DIRK: Uh  
DIRK: Damn I mean I didn’t think about it that way but now that you lay the whole argument out...  
DIRK: You’re probably right.  
JAKE: Well see here strider.  
JAKE: I know you can never fully accept peace for yourself, but its the journey that matters.  
JAKE: Not the end result.  
JAKE: And we are having such a lovely journey here.  
JAKE: You know we are.  
JAKE: ... And somebody out there needs that.  
JAKE: If somebody didnt want us to be happy, then who would be writing this story?  
  
Dirk stares into Jake’s emerald eyes with all the passion and bone-melting affection of a man deeply and irretrievably in love. He could get lost in those eyes if he let himself. It grates against these little jagged shards buried deep in his soul when he thinks about how happy he is, how content he is, how there’s no way this could truly be the end for him.  
  
But for now he lets himself accept this ending. He leans in and kisses Jake soft on his lips.  
  
“You always know the right way to talk me out of my bullshit,” he pauses. “I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Abstract art, shitty tangled string, ironic mention of a sounding device, romance, self-doubt.
> 
> And that's all folks! Hope you enjoyed this blur of a fic. I certainly had a good time writing it. There may be a podfic coming soon, so stay tuned!!! <3


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